Insert Witty Title Here The SECONDish!
by Atashi Desu
Summary: This is a parodytype thing of Saw. I didn't feel like creating a new character, so I've decided that it is a sequel to my Ring parody and I've just brought Saige over here. That's about as much summary as I can get without telling the whole story...


_A.N. Alright, so I was told to write a Saw parody like my Ring parody, and I've finally gotten around to attempting, so I'm sorry it's taken so long. Fair Warning: It probably sucks. Please don't kill me for it. I've given you fair warning, after all._

_Disclaimer: If only I owned Saw. Do you know how freaking awesome that would be? For one thing, I would have waaaayyy more money. And a really cool thing to brag about. As of now, I can brag about… umm… apparently I've written some funny fanfics? Whatever. It's a poor substitute for Saw. -pouts-_

**Chapter Only-One-I'm-Gonna-Have-Because-I-Don't-Feel-Like-Uploading-3-Chapters**

Saige, after getting rid of the awful little monsters, has just one left, which she submits to the government for study and experimentation. Now, having finally freed herself of psychotic little dead girls, Saige is more than happy to just sit back and relax. Which she does.

Suddenly, there is a knock at the front door. Saige, grumbling and fully expecting more dead girls, answers the door with a baseball bat ready. This scares the poor delivery man into just throwing a package at her and running away. Sighing with relief, Saige takes her package up to her room and opens it. Inside, she finds… a video tape.

"What the hell?" She says out loud. Why do people keep sending her video tapes? She is about to throw it away when she notices a note. The others didn't have notes near them, so she figured it must be different. Right?

She popped the tape in the VCR and pressed "play", then sat back to watch. Random scenes, which were exactly the same from the last cursed video she watched, flashed across the screen. The phone rings, and she answers it.

"Seven days!" A voice she recognizes very much says

"Oh, come on!" She responds. "I didn't know you sent that!"

"Really?" Samara asks. "Didn't you read the note?"

She picks up the note and actually reads it this time.

"_You sent me to be experimented on. _

_And that me hurt so bad. _

_They exposed me to some new chemical they called Radiflabion. _

_They were not very smart with that._

_I have now grown back to my original size,_

_Which makes me very happy._

_I have gone made my movie where everyone dies._

_But I'm now coming for you-y_

_-Samara"_

Saige is suddenly not feeling so smart. She yells at the heavens. "Why do you hate me?"

Then she goes to sleep, not wanting to deal with this until tomorrow.

WHEN SHE WAKES UP

Saige opens her eyes to find herself in a dark room she doesn't recognize. She can't see anything. So she turns on the light to reveal…

A really, really, _really_ dirty bathroom. Chained to a rusty pipe attached to a really dirty toilet next to a gorey dead guy laying in a puddle of more blood.

"Eww!" She says in a typical girl moment. Then she turns into a tomboy and starts poking him with a stick. Oddly enough, the dead guy seems to be annoyed by this. He glares at her and tells her to stop. She refuses and pokes him harder.

"Ow! Stop that!" He yells, throwing the tape recorder that was in his hand at her. It hits her on the head and falls to the ground with a _thunk_. The tape player starts playing, because dramatic effect has made it land exactly on the "play" button. A gravelly voice fills the disgusting excuse for a civilized bathroom.

"Hello, Saige. You don't know me, but I know you. Obviously, since I chose to take you, and have also been waiting around for you to wake up for three days. Are you just a really heavy sleeper or something? Anyway, back to the point. You have continually put yourself in danger. In fact, you have four times nearly been killed by crazy ghosts in as many weeks. And now, just yesterday, you have watched yet another cursed video from a disgruntled dead girl in a well. Are you an adrenaline junkie? Or do you just have a death wish? Either way, you obviously don't appreciate your life, and therefore don't deserve it. But if you decide you do deserve it, you will have to get out of here. Which will hurt. _cough_X marks the spot!_cough_"

Saige stares at the tape recorder, then starts looking around. On the wall nest to her is a bright red 'X' with a sledgehammer leaning next to it it. Taking a hint, she picks up the heavy sledgehammer, which she can easily lift because she is still a tomboy, and beats in the wall. There, she finds a little box. Taking the box, she opens it carefully. As soon as the lid is open, a tinkling little happy melody echoes throughout the bathroom. The dead guy hums along.

After staring at the humming dead body, Saige finally decides to see what's in the box and finds a note, a lighter, and two pieces of 70 grit sandpaper. She decides to actually read the note this time.

"_Saige,_" The gravelly voice in her head begins. Her head jerks up, looking around for the source of the voice.

"My gosh" The dead guy says. "It's in your head! Just finish listening to the note!"

Nodding, Saige returns to listening to the note.

"_In order to get out, you will have to get out of the chain binding you the rusty pipe on the nasty toilet next to the gorey dead guy in the puddle of blood. Good luck._

_-Jigsaw_

_P.S. burn this note after you read it._"

After the last echoes of the voice fade away, she grabs the lighter and pushes the button. Immediately, electricity courses through her body and she starts to shake as foam comes out of her mouth. Then it stops and the dead guy is giggling.

"Ow!" She says. "Stupid trick lighter!"

Then she turns her attention to the sandpaper. "What am I supposed to do with this?" She asks, then figures it out and starts to sand through the chain around binding her ankle to the rusty pipe on the blah blah blah. She sands and sands, but ends up ripping the piece of sandpaper. "Oh, no! I'll never get out!" She starts to cry, suddenly not so tomboy-ish anymore.

The dead guy sighs. "You're not supposed to sand through the chain. You're supposed to sand through your feet!" He tells her. Mostly because he thinks she's stupid enough to actually do it. She stares at him. Then at the last piece of sandpaper. Then at her feet. Then him again. And the sandpaper. And her feet. Then she just starts laughing.

"Oh, yeah right. How would you know? You're dead!" She laughs at him. He glares at her.

"I know because I am _not_ dead." He stands up and peels of the fake injury to his head. "And I am Jigsaw! Now, sand through your feet!" He orders. Saige stares at him.

"Ummm… I don't think you're supposed to reveal that yet… aren't you supposed to wait until you're sure I'm not gonna make it?" Jigsaw just glares at her before suddenly going into a coughing fit. Because he's very sick. Saige rolls her eyes and takes the sandpaper, ready to fight for her life no matter the cost.

She takes a deep breath, poising the sandpaper over her foot, then grabs her ankle and puts the sandpaper to her flesh. Suddenly, the chain comes of.

"What the--! Hey! You forgot to lock this thing!"

Jigsaw stares at her. Then lunges at Saige. Even though he is obviously sick, he still manages to capture the girl and knock her out. Probably because she's not longer a tomboy.

WHEN SHE WAKES UP AGAIN

Saige groans, then looks around. She is in a nice living room with a cozy fire. She is also completely tied to a bed, her whole body below the neck covered in the rope. Jigsaw is sitting next to her, humming the tune from the little box. He notices she is awake and grins at her.

"It's okay, you're going to die soon. I made sure of it this time." He tells her, then holds up the sharp razor blade he's been fiddling with. "You can go ahead and slit your wrists, because the author can't think of anything better or more elaborate for me to make you do."

Saige sighs. "How long have I been out?" she asks.

"Four days. I think I hit you a bit too hard, but whatever. It'll all be over soon." He starts toward her, a menacing glint in his evil little eyes. Then the widescreen television in the center of the room flickers to life and a picture of a well pops up. Jigsaw spins around, staring. "Huh?"

A little dead girl starts climbing out of the well, then walking/tottering toward the screen. Saige, who has by now gotten used to the sight of creepy dead chicks, yawns. Jigsaw, however, starts to panic, running in circles and wondering if Samara will take his glory for the death of Saige or go ahead and let him keep it. Then Samara crawls creepily out of the TV, her hair somehow coming out first.

"I have finally gotten you!" She cackles at Saige. Saige looks at her.

"So?" She asks. "Look at me. I'm all tied up. There's not even a slight bit of challenge in killing me now! A living two-year-old could do it!" Samara seems to realize this. Then sighs.

"Well, that sucks. I guess I'll wait until you're untied, then."

Then Saige gets an idea. "Hey, you know, Jigsaw here was planning on taking your kill from you." Samara's eyes widen in anger.

"What! Well, you know what? I'll kill you, Jigsaw!" And she kills him as he just stares like everyone in the Ring movies seems to do, even though I'm pretty sure if dead people were actually attacking someone they would be screaming like crazy. Then she grins triumphantly and turns to Saige. "I'll untie you and kill you now."

After she is untied, Saige turns to Samara. "You know, I did just get you a pretty good kill. I mean, he's created so many victims, and he's a pretty amazing legend. You've just killed a legend! I think that, in return for getting you the greatest kill ever, you should let me go and stop trying to kill me." Samara stares. Then starts laughing.

"And why should I do that?" She manages to gasp.

Saige grins. "If you don't, I'll hold up this mirror when you try to give me the kill-eye, and you'll end up killing yourself." She states confidently. Samara fidgets.

"Ah, well, yes, good point. Erm, yeah, okay. Deal." She spits in her hand and offers it to Saige, who then spits in her own hand and they shake. Samara nods and heads back into the TV.

Grinning triumphantly, Saige returns to her home, in which no one even noticed she was gone for a week. And everything finally returns to normal.

_A.N. So, was that as crappy as I thought, or better, or crappier? Tell me. Nitpick! Flame! Whatever the hell you want! Just clicky the button and typey the words. -begs- _

_And if anyone tries to suggest that I do another, they will have to wait a while, seeing as how this story has completely drunk all my creative juices._


End file.
